Do you have a sibling who you just click with? Someone that you have always been comfortable to say anything to and know that deep down, they’ve got your back and will love you no matter what? I’m very blessed because I have 4 of them! It’s because of them that I imagined having 4 kids when I grew up. Then I started having kids and realized how fricken hard it was to be a mom- the sleep deprivation, the lack of personal time and space, and all of the emotions, don’t get me wrong… I ABSOLUTELY love my kids, but two is plenty for me.) Each of my siblings have their faults (who doesn’t- I know I’m not up for the “Perfect Sister Award”- is that a real thing?) but their beautiful qualities outshine them by far. In the next few weeks, I’m going to tell you about how lucky I am to be their sister.
Last week, I wrote about my brother Sam, which you can read here. This week I am writing about the cooler of my two brothers (I was asked to add this in. Honestly, I love both of my little brothers and think they’re both pretty awesome), Christian.
When I was 14, I never imagined that I’d be blessed, yet again with another sibling. I was so excited to meet my new family member, which is probably why her pregnancy seemed to drag on! Like I said in last week’s post, I loved having my brother Sam around but I LOVED, and still do, little babies! I love cuddling them, talking to them and watching them explore this new life of theirs. When my mom was pregnant, I went to a birth class with her for support (for some reason her husband couldn’t go) and I would have loved to be in on the birth of my new sibling. My mom wasn’t 100% in the know of the gender because she didn’t care either way, and although I really wanted a sister, I would love my new sibling regardless of their gender.
On April 29, my mom got news that if she didn’t deliver by the next morning, she would need to be induced. Our mission was to encourage this little baby out, rather than having to force it out. We walked all over our yard and I believe my mom and step-dad went on a bumpy car ride since that was what worked with one of her other previous pregnancy’s. It worked! A few hours later, my mom and step-dad dropped us off at his parents’ house and they hauled ass to a town 30 miles away from where we lived. I tossed and turned all night both in anticipation and frustration of not being able to go with and support my mom. After a crappy night of sleep, I finally heard the phone ring at my step-grandparents’ house and was informed shortly after that my little brother was earth-side and doing well and so was my mom. I managed to make it through a regular day of school and finally, at 3pm Sam and I were on our way to meet, Christian.
It was love at first sight! For the next 4 years, we were inseparable (well other than when I visited my dad and during my short lived move-in with my dad). I definitely didn’t want the responsibility of being a mom at this age, but man I would have done anything for that beautiful little baby! I remember shortly after they came home from the hospital he wouldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t sleep so I offered to help rock him because I could hear how frustrated his parents were getting. Unfortunately, I was told to go back to sleep.
After I left for college, my baby brother and mom moved down to the same town I lived for a little less than a year and I loved being able to reconnect with my brother! I watched him play soccer, form new relationships at school, and babysat him when I could. Unfortunately, after they moved back home, we lost our closeness. I feel like the divorce of his parents really took a toll on his emotions and his confidence. I know that happened to me after my parents’ divorce.
More recently, when we hangout I feel like he’s slowly coming out of his protective shell a little bit, but for the most part I feel like he seems lost to me still. Like our conversations are more on the surface and never really anything other than how school is going and if anything is new. I wish we could have the same openness we had when he was so young; who knows, maybe someday he’ll feel comfortable around me again and we’ll be able to be close again. I hope that whatever happened or happens, he knows that I love him unconditionally! That he is so amazing and that he deserves to feel love when he’s living his true self. My hope is that he’s not scared anymore to speak his truth because what he wants and NEEDS matter! I know how shitty it is to be emotionally drained from people who love you the most and when you’re young it doesn’t make sense that it happens, but we are all doing the best we can at every moment that we try.
I watched my baby brother grow from in my mom’s belly to a young man in what feels like such a short period of time. (He turns 21 in a few weeks!- man that makes me seem old). Thank you, Christian for letting me be a part of your life, but more importantly, being a part of mine. I love you so much!
My favorite memories of Christian
1. Holding him in my lap and watching each other
2. Hearing him sing the “Scooby Doo” theme song
3. Watching him run back and forth between the TV and the couch while baseball was on the TV
4. His hugs
5. Both of us crying while we talked about making him food
6. Watching him play COD